Week 9 — No Choice But To Carry On

This post discusses chronic illness, fatigue, and emotional exhaustion. Please read gently.

Which egg am I ?

This week was a test of my endurance. It was also a proof of my resilience.

At the start of the week, I had surgery. Nothing major, but it left me completely drained. Recovery overlapped with dialysis, appointments, and the constant drain from having chronic kidney disease, and it all began to feel overwhelming.

I felt close to my limit, I felt broken.

I needed the relentlessness of the illness and its treatment to stop.

I didn’t want to disappear, I just wanted everything to stop.

I was tired in a way that sleep doesn’t fix.

When The Body Says “Enough”

Living with a chronic illness is relentless. Dialysis three times a week. Appointments that never seem to end. A body that doesn’t get a real break.

And that's the hardest part. I desperately needed a break from it all.

But I can't take a break.

If I stop, I die.

That isn’t drama or self-pity. It’s simply fact.

This week, I struggled with that reality — the steady, wearing weight of having no choice but to keep going.

A Week Of Starting But Not Finishing

I tried. I really did.

I started a lot of things.I had intentions. Plans. Lists.

I finished very little.

That frustrated me more than I expected. I cared that I didn’t complete what I started — but I didn’t have it in me to force myself through exhaustion just to tick a box. That scared me, because I don’t want to become someone who gives up.

But this week reminded me of something important: there’s a difference between giving up and conserving what little energy you have left.

“There’s a difference between not caring and not having anything left to give.

When Resilience Showed Up

This week wasn’t about productivity or momentum. It was about endurance.

Even in a week that felt empty, resilience was still there — quieter than usual, but steady.

Because despite everything:

• I didn’t turn to alcohol

• I kept working on my business

• I started setting up my website

• I began creating a Valentine’s collection

• I continued cooking and baking — and actually enjoyed it

Those things didn’t come from pressure or discipline. They came from a deeper place — a part of me that still wants to build, create, and move forward, even when I’m exhausted.

A Different Kind Of Progress

I wasn’t being lazy, and I don’t think I lacked motivation. I was just depleted.

I was trying to function while running on empty. But I still kept turning up again and again to things that aren’t optional. I kept going even when there was no energy left.

Progress this week wasn’t about completing a to-do list or sticking to a schedule. It was about:

• Turning up to dialysis

• Recovering from surgery

• Protecting my sobriety

• Creating where I could

• Letting unfinished things wait without self-destructing

That’s not failure.That’s resilience.

Choosing to Pause, Not Quit

I don’t like weeks like this. I don’t like feeling slowed, drained, or unfinished. And I definitely don’t want to stay here.

But I also know from experience that forcing myself forward when I’m empty only leads to burnout, resentment, and crashing. I’ve learned the hard way that rest isn’t the opposite of progress — sometimes it’s the thing that makes progress possible again.

So this week, I allowed myself to pause.

Not to quit. Not to give up. But to recover.

The Fight That’s Still There

I’ve been here before. I’ve had weeks — even months — where everything felt like too much, and I still found my way forward.

This illness may shape my days, but it does not define who I am. I won’t let it dictate my identity, my future, or the way this story ends.

There is a fight in me, not loud or dramatic, but stubborn and persistent. It shows up even when I’m tired or scared or when I don’t feel strong.

I will turn this around. I’ve done it before.

Right now, I’m not quitting. I just need to find my strength again.

And that, too, is part of the work.

— Linda